Take heart, soldier. England's squad might be approaching the next Ashes Test already 2-0 down, however not all among supporters is deterred. Exists one collective ideally equipped for these circumstances, a crack(pot) unit who consider themselves the ultimate doomsday preppers. Have your dreams been shattered? Are you crushed beneath the pressure of failed hopes? In that case, enlist with the Barmy Army.
Already, their advance guard are gathering in Adelaide, the city where they officially formed 30 years ago. England's iconic – and per capita most vocal – tourist followers will be dreaming of an anniversary win-against-the-odds, reminiscent of the one they saw on that historic tour. And whatever happens on the pitch, off it the celebrations will be extensive and boisterous.
"England's performance been extremely disappointing," he admits, "but we're the lucky ones, because we're on holiday. It's probably harder for the people at home."
Even Bazball's nuclear implosion can't shake this band of battle-tested followers. They've been observing England's batting collapse since before the latest star took the field. They've observed more dropped catches than star players have Test wickets. Their collective record as an Ashes supporters' club is: a long history with more defeats than victories. Those who understand how to weather a whitewash, they are the founding members.
Certainly, for viewers at home, the Barmy Army appear to be all over this series. Australian cameras at the grounds often appear more interested in the Barmies than on their own fans. Broadcasters frequently use them as atmosphere-building prelude to a day's play. Even the players on the field are heralding them, as someone clad as a royal figure starting a singing of a well-known tune.
It's possible that the Barmy Army's combination of endurance and omnipresence has now overshadowed quite how remarkable their rise of away support has been. Thirty years in the past a small group backpackers were brought together in good-natured self-deprecation at England's dismal away record. Today their reputation is so linked with the national team that their vibrant, "unconventional" crowd is practically establishment itself. They've certainly come a great distance since the initial chants.
One original can picture the eager expectation of the first Test of that pioneering tour. With the opposition on top, he led a modest conga in the stands, provoking the home fans with a song about historical figures. "Home supporters jeered at us, then threw rubbish – the stuff that we occasionally encounter today," he recalls. "However when we got back our little group of England followers had all taken part."
Following defeat, England's tour continued to struggle. Any supporter travelling with the team around the country must have been slightly mad. When it came to the later Tests their crowd had grown to the hundreds. Those on the field, however, came to value their presence at the grounds. When England secured a consolation win, a team captain beckoned a supporter up to the victory celebration to direct the celebrations. That bond remains.
Furthermore, the sheer numbers the Barmy Army can attract are as attractive to the cricket authorities as they are to international stadiums. At this Ashes alone, their official tours will accommodate thousands of fans on tour. Numerous activities are scheduled for the 30th anniversary.
This is, after all, an group born of cricketing passion and business acumen. The logic they date themselves to a Adelaide game is because that was when they started offering branded clothing. The first small batch was so instantly popular – and financially rewarding – that it began a lasting enterprise. Since then, the original members have helped turn a fan community into an respected tour operator.
That carries its own complexities, especially at a time when sport is looking to shed some of its lads-lads-lads image. The Barmy Army's management are quick to note that a sizable minority of their travelling fans are now women. As norms evolve, the chants have had to get less offensive, too. "Things that were acceptable 30 years ago you can no longer say, and that's as it should be," says a director. "We can't tell someone how to behave individually, but we do not endorse songs that are offensive."
Could the Barmy Army evolve quietly? The demographic is now in their fifth decade – mirroring the pioneers, who have been pleased to distance themselves from the daily operation. One founder is experiencing this tour purely as a fan – leaving newer staff to run the Barmy Army's online channels. "We forget how hard it used to be to organise with each other," he chuckles. "It was all done all by shouting – 'everyone's going to the pub!'"
As for England's plight, the unlikely scenario of a historic comeback remains alive, which is typical of their spirit indeed. And if England succumb in Adelaide … well, future travels is always an option.
